Men Are from Earth, Women Are from Earth

Gender roles in the modern world

Hi Zan, Hi Pa

Volume #8

January 10th, 2024

HI, ZAN:  When we were editing one of our newsletters recently via our usual exchange of emails, we started discussing exclamation points.  I wrote that I tend to use them more in texting than in emails or my prose writing because, without an exclamation point, certain lines—”nice photo,” for example—can sound a little too bland in a text or on a Facebook post, or even be misinterpreted as sarcastic.  You agreed, then added this:  “As a woman, I often get the feeling that I can't be too harsh or certain in the things I say or write, and exclamation points soften that a little. Weird.”  

With two daughters and a wife of many years, I want to believe that I’m at least somewhat aware of what it’s like to be a woman in this world.  But that remark made me realize there must be all kinds of gender-related issues about which I have no clue.  Care to discuss?

HI, PA: Thanks for bringing this up! I think it’s a part of gender inequality that’s rarely discussed, and probably for good reason—issues like equal pay and sexual harassment are far more pressing than the use of exclamation points. Still, I’m sure almost every woman, or anyone who identifies as female, has experienced the expectation of embodying all the characteristics we attribute to good mothers—patience, kindness, warmth, etc. And when we instead embody typically masculine characteristics—like assertiveness—we’re seen (by everyone) as harsh, bossy, controlling… 

I remember realizing this most clearly when I worked as the assistant general manager of a restaurant. When my predecessor, who was a man, took control when seating parties, spoke assertively, or told someone “no,” guests seemed to trust him implicitly and find him charming. When I did the same, even with a smile and polite language, guests—interestingly enough, mostly women—would leave reviews saying I was cold or bitchy. (It didn’t help that my boss, also a woman, responded to the reviews by instructing me to smile harder with my eyes since we were all wearing masks at the time.) 

I have plenty more examples and lots to say on this subject, but first I want to ask you: have you ever noticed this kind of thing? 

PA: Smile harder with your eyes?  Wow.  And cold?  Double wow.  Cold is the last thing anyone would ever call you.

I’ve heard women voice these kinds of complaints before, of course, though most often about men treating them that way.  I’m not sure it’s possible—even for men who value equality—to know what it feels like from the other side of the gender divide (or for someone like me to imagine the life and struggles of a person who doesn’t identify with either of the traditional roles).  

Before going any further, as the masculine half of this conversation, I want to say this:  there is no equivalence.  Women have been treated worse than men in myriad ways throughout history.  But I don’t want to end the conversation with that simple statement, and I know you don’t want to either.  Let’s see if we can delve into the complexities, okay?