Behind Closed Doors

The various realms we inhabit and how we present ourselves in them.

Hi Zan, Hi Pa

Volume #40

May 10th, 2025

HI, ZAN: I’ve been thinking lately about the various realms we all inhabit. There’s the public realm—our job, our place in the neighborhood and community. The private or domestic realm—our family and close friends. And the interior realm, that part of us—thoughts, dreams, hidden feelings and fears—to which others have no access. Want to talk about that?

HI, PA: An interesting way of compartmentalizing life. I’d say many of us also have the social media realm, which often shows a very different side of us even from the public realm. Do you think we consciously choose aspects of our personality to display in each realm? Or is it something that happens on its own?

PA: The social media realm is very real, and also not one that a person of my generation would have come up with.

There must be something consistent in each of these realms, some part of us that we can’t manipulate or hide. An essence. But in some cases, in some people, that’s a very small part; there’s a lot of manipulation, fakery, and hiding, especially, I’d imagine, on social media. One aspect that fascinates me is the vast difference there can sometimes be between one’s public and private realms. Great artists that are abusive to a spouse or children, would be one example. Celebrities who seem so likeable on the screen or stage and are brutish in person. Or the converse: deeply evil politicians or cruel executives who are good fathers or mothers.

Do you think anyone is fully consistent across all these realms? And, if so, what does that say about the person?

ZAN: I think it’s possible but very difficult to be consistent across all these realms—in order to do so, I think someone would need to have a strong and healthy relationship with themself at the base of it all.

I believe the person we are in that private realm is often the most direct reflection of our inner realm. The more someone has to perform (or at least act in a way that doesn’t reflect their true nature) in the public realm, the greater need they have to channel their inner pains or demons somewhere, which usually ends up being the private realm. In many ways it’s easier to ‘hide’ in public, but doing so means gathering all kinds of pent up emotions, desires, or tendencies. If, instead, you’re at peace with the version of yourself that exists when no one else is around, and become well-acquainted with those inner demons, I think that permeates through your interactions across all the realms.

It’s interesting to think about people who are loving and kind in the private realm and cutthroat in the public realm, which kind of spins my theory on its head. What do you think causes that?

PA: I think your theory is on target. I bet it’s rare for a public brute to be a private angel. Maybe someone in a violent or extremely competitive profession—a boxer, say; an NFL linebacker, an executive in a supremely high-powered business environment—who has a tender side with spouse, children, and friends, would fit that mold.

What about artists who create works of great beauty and power—writers, singers, actors—but are abusive or destructive in their personal lives? Should we judge their art on its own merits, or shun it because of the harm the artist does in the world?